Musings

An open letter to heaven, 

Dear Dad.. I swore I’d never do this on the blog. I don’t know why I was so ashamed of my grief. But today the pain of missing you is crashing in me and I can’t stop crying and wishing you were here. I wish we could talk even for a second.. Your anniversary is coming up. The anniversary of the worst day I can remember. I have twenty-something days to it, and the dread I feel..the emptiness..the weight of having to face the reality that you’re not here… Dad, it’s been terrible without you. I have tried so hard to look okay and normal and inside I am dying. I am missing you more than ever. I need your wisdom and advice. Everything has been one big mess since you left. I’ve not exactly been sure of what I’m doing..not with violin or school or anything. I just want to make you proud.  These last two years, I’ve tried to find my way around missing you. It’s been insane. So much is happening in my life, and on so many things I need you.My 21st birthday was last year and oh how I wish you were here to celebrate..and give me advice. On boys ( I am having the worst luck here) and relationships..I wish you were here to tell me what to do and how to handle some of these things. And school..I’m torn between my need to a masters but I don’t know where.  The one thing that breaks me is graduation is coming up, and I can’t fathom how I’ll make it without you.   I can’t picture having my graduation pictures without you in them. I don’t know how to do this without dad. I really dont. Mum has been great. Amazing actually. It took so much from her to pull herself together and be and mum and and a dad…but she misses you too. She’s been there for me on days like this when I feel like the world is sinking. Sigh. We miss you. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy and not in pain anymore. I hope there are endless chess games and all your favorite songs. I hope there is peace.  I miss you. I’ll write to you soon okay.  I love you Daddy. Xs and Os.. Your baby girl ♥️